Shaken and Stirred: Navigating Vulnerability in Relationships
All of our relationships have structures. There is a set of expectations between you and the barista making your morning coffee, to the predictability of a good morning kiss from a partner. Not all structures are the same, and Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy, refers to our closest relationships as bonded relationships. The more intensely we are bonded or invested in a relationship, the more vulnerable we are to being hurt.
We may be aware of how close we are to someone, or it might be unseen to us until that bond is threatened. Bonds can be shown through always sleeping in the same bed, or a scheduled sleep-over date every week, to planning the next date before the current one is even over.
Sometimes, the structures are thoughts or beliefs about what makes the relationship special, such as “I am the person most special to my partner,” or “I am the person my partner lives with and plans retirement and old age with.”
Bonded relationships need safety to balance feelings of vulnerability. Jessica Fern explains that the bond is made of many safety structures to create that balance.
Because we are so deeply invested in these relationships, when something happens that shakes our fundamental feelings of safety, it tends to trigger some of the most distressing, all-consuming anxiety and fear (and sometimes anger) related to our relationships.
When something has shaken a bonded relationship, it often feels like nothing can be ‘right’ again until the relationship is back onto secure emotional ground. This uneven footing can be caused by a disagreement, an argument, or a withdrawal from each other and communication entirely.
People in a shaken relationship may think they need to resolve the disagreement to repair the relationship (which they do). BUT before trying to resolve the disagreement, I believe we need to repair the emotional rift. Then the two people can come together as a united team and resolve their disagreement together.
No two people and relationships are the same. Some relationships and people are more securely attached than others. It can take more to shake the foundations of their relationships. While others can struggle with being less securely attached. This can be caused by less-than-optimal childhood experiences, current mental health struggles such as depression or anxiety, or due to the nature of the relationship in question.
Regardless of the cause, the less secure relationship is at risk of being shaken by objectively smaller disruptions. This can look like a relationship being shaken when a partner pulls away from an affectionate touch. More secure relationships are not immune to this, either. In a more secure relationship the shaking might occur when a partner falls into NRE (New Relationship Energy) with a new person or wants to accept a job that will turn a local relationship into a long-distance one.
A shaken relationship is not a broken one.
There are multiple ways to mend hurt bonds. Two of my favorite skills for repairing the emotional rift are Nonviolent Communication techniques, and the Imago exercise. Communication is an interactive process, and it’s important to take the time to fully understand both you and your partner's feelings and needs. Once you are able to comply with the Nonviolent Communication techniques, you can move on to the Imago exercises.
Learning to communicate differently can take time, and it’s best to try implementing these techniques when you are not actively in conflict. This will allow you to use this process most effectively when you do find yourself in a disagreement.