Healthy Poly Relationships Part 4: Healthy Compromise
Being a mental health professional, I tend to see clients when they are in conflict. They seek me out when they have tried to solve problems and have reached an impasse. So, naturally, my three previous blogs were focused on essential concepts for getting out of those stuck places.
If you’ve been following along, then I hope you have a better understanding of personal rights and boundaries, and taking responsibility for our own emotions and actions. Much of the information in these articles might give you the impression that the only way to have healthy relationships is to be cold and self-serving.
Nothing could be further from the truth!
Few things are more beautiful than the love, care, and giving that happens in healthy relationships. That can include accommodations and compromise. But, to be healthy, accommodations need to be fully consensual, recognized, and accepted. When you know your rights, your partner is acknowledging your rights, and you WANT to accommodate the other person, you open up a path for healthy compromise.
Let’s take a look at a hypothetical story involving Will and Justin and how consent can change their relationship. Reminder, informed consent is central to a healthy relationship and is one of the things we have a right to expect from others.
Take One:
Will and Justin started dating as two solo poly people. They fell in love and eventually began to talk about commitment and living together. Will suggested that they have a ‘period of exclusivity’ to solidify their relationship. Justin didn’t want to neglect his other relationships. He felt he would be treating them as unimportant if he suddenly stopped seeing them. And, truthfully, he didn’t want to stop dating. His other relationships were fulfilling for him.
Will grew increasingly upset that Justin didn’t see how this period of exclusivity would strengthen their relationship, and was vocal about Justin’s commitment to him, and began to withdraw himself.
Justin felt torn. He loved Will and didn’t want to hurt him. He hated that Will was pulling away from him, and Justin wondered if he was being selfish or inflexible. Would it really hurt him to, as Will put it, ‘just give them a little time to bond?’
Justin started asking questions to really understand what Will wanted. “Haven’t we already bonded? How does being temporarily exclusive help us bond more? And, what does being exclusive mean?” As they talked, Will defined exclusive as not having sexual relationships with emotional ties, outside of their relationship. Casual sex was okay.
Eventually, it came out that Will had been fine doing poly when he wasn’t in love, but now that he was in love, he was struggling with anxiety. He didn’t want Justin to have feelings for anyone else.
It was a breach of consent when Will was not honest about his motives. He told Justin he wanted temporary exclusivity to ‘bond more.’ The truth was that Will felt anxious about Justin having feelings for other lovers. Will wasn’t taking responsibility for his own emotions.
If Justin had agreed to these accommodations based on incorrect or incomplete information, it would not have been truly consensual because it would not have been informed consent. If he agreed, and later found out Will’s true motivations, he would have been right to feel manipulated.
So, what is a healthy compromise that is fully consensual, recognized, and appreciated?
Fully Consensual means:
Based on full, complete, honest, and timely information
Not as a response to internal negative emotional pressures such as guilt or fear
Not in response to external negative pressures such as guilt-tripping
Recognized means:
Each person involved recognizes the ‘rightness’ of each person’s rights and boundaries
Each person recognizes the responsibility they have to act ethically and can take responsibility for their own emotions.
Now that we have a clear idea of informed consent, let’s run that scenario again with a few integral changes.
Take Two:
Will and Justin meet in the same way, and they still fall in love. Will realizes that now he is in love, he is struggling with some anxiety over the relationship. This time, he decides to be honest and tells Justin up front, “Now that I’m in love, I’m really struggling with knowing that you have feelings for other people. I want to feel compersion, but instead, I find myself comparing myself to them. I feel really anxious when you’re on a date, and I can’t focus on anything else. I feel emotionally fragile, and I need reassurance that you really love me, want to live with me, and want to commit to me.”
Will also recognizes that Justin has a right to date, have feelings for, and even love others. He admits that he is responsible for dealing with his own anxieties and insecurities, but presently, he isn’t succeeding in improving how he feels. Will then ASKS Justin not to date others while he works on this.
Justin does not HAVE TO agree. Justin spends some time ‘soul searching’ to identify what compromises he is willing to make that won’t result in any resentment.
Once he’s made those decisions, Justin comes back to Will and says, “I have no problem with ending my most casual involvements, but I think it would be unethical to end my meaningful involvements when those people haven’t done anything wrong. It wouldn’t be fair to them or to myself. I am willing to talk to each of them and ask if we can take a break without damaging the relationships, and ask what accommodations they might need, like continued non-sexual dates, phone calls, or time limits to the break. In the meantime, if I am going to do this for you, I need to see that you are actively working on this issue and working toward compersion. What are you willing to do?”
Will expresses gratitude for this gift that Justin doesn’t have to do, but is WILLING to do, and says, “I am willing to work on this every day. I will go back to therapy. I’ll also talk with a psychiatrist to see if I can get help there. I know that anxiety gets worse with stressors, so I will stop working overtime. I’ll also try to reduce stress by taking up meditation and going back to the gym. I also saw this Jealousy Workbook. I’ll get that and work on it daily. If I’m feeling insecure, can you give me reassurance?”
“Absolutely,” says Justin. “I’ll talk to the other people I’m seeing, and we’ll discuss this more when I know what they have to say.”
Gratitude is the key to appreciating the gift of accommodations. Most of us know what it feels like to be taken for granted. If you think about it, that’s the feeling of having the things you do for others not be recognized or appreciated.
When both people acknowledge that one person is giving something, out of love, even though they would be fully within their rights not to give it, that’s a gift. The appropriate response to a gift is gratitude. Expressions of gratitude are important to feeling appreciated.
Here’s the key: if you have determined that you are within your rights, but you are feeling pressured to do something else, giving into that is not a healthy compromise.
If you are willing to do it, and it is being recognized as a gift and the other person is expressing gratitude for the gift, that is a healthy compromise.
Communication like this can be a real challenge. Remember that you are deserving of informed consent, and when you talk about compromise with a partner, you both need to be fully informed, recognize each other’s boundaries and rights, and accept the outcomes.’