Navigating Polyamory in a Post-Marriage Equality Era

The psychological and physiological benefits of marriage are well known and well documented, with its stability and societal support significantly impacting individual well-being. For many, marriage brings security and an affirmed identity within the community, reducing anxiety and reinforcing relationship longevity. Prior to marriage equality, same-sex couples employed a number of strategies to counter (as much as possible) the detrimental influences of discrimination. They employed lawyers to create contracts in an attempt to protect their rights to make medical decisions for loved ones, share child custody, and inherit property. They created ways of socially communicating their relationship status and commitment with “commitment ceremonies,” exchanging rings, traveling to and getting married in locations where same-sex marriage was legal, and using words such as partner until words like husband, wife, and spouse became available. Still, the detrimental effects of discrimination were clear, with higher rates of depression, anxiety, addiction, and relationship dissolution. Even LGBT friends implicitly questioned the stability of long-term relationships with the common inquiry, “Are they still together?” Couples routinely counted and announced the number of years they had together as a public measurement of their success.

With same-sex marriage recognized as the law of the land since 2015, previously comfortable polyamorous relationships may have experienced a new discomfort. For LGBTQ relationships, a triad or V, suddenly had a new level of inequality interjected into their relationship from the outside. Two of the three could consider legal marriage, while the other could not. For poly groupings that included a cis-hetero partnership, they had the legal right to marry, and prior to June 2015, any queer partnership within the group may not have had the legal ability to marry. It may have been easier to accept that inequality when legal same-sex marriage was not an option. But after marriage equality, the only thing blocking such a marriage is the marriage of other members of the poly family. JJ Vincent discussed the subtle and not-so-subtle responses of friends and family to his other two partners getting married in “Six Things I Learned When I Catered My Partners' Wedding.” Some assumed his relationship was over and that the marriage of two precluded the existence of three. Others were concerned for the “third” person who was not getting married. Others communicated unexpected monogamist assumptions.

We have known for some time that these kinds of stressors have a detrimental effect on same-sex relationships and contribute to their instability. It's important that we recognize similar consequences for polyamorous relationships. Recognizing the real, detrimental effects of inequality is the first step in countering those effects. The partners unable to marry may need to grieve their losses or perceived losses. They may need to process their jealousy or envy of others who can marry, even others whom they love dearly. They may choose to counter some of the anxiety-producing instabilities by creating legal bonds for emergency situations. They may want to actively work to redefine marriage and commitment and seek social recognition and support by having non-legally binding ceremonies, exchanging rings, and nurturing circles of friends that understand, recognize, and support their relationships.

Working toward social and political change can be empowering. People may choose to get involved in seeking equality for poly marriages. Others, such as Postmodern Woman, claim that many poly folk are turning to Relationship Anarchy in an attempt to shed the hierarchical assumptions of a monogamist culture. Either way, the tools of reframing oppressive and discriminatory societal messages are important to helping individuals and poly-families cope with and reduce the potentially damaging effects of a predominantly monogamist culture.