Mastering Connection One 'Bid' at a Time

An image of a interracial queer couple hugging and smiling.

I often remind couples that the dynamics of relationships can resemble gambling. We place "bids" for connection, where we wager on the hopeful outcome of mutual understanding and love. These bids are the subtle yet powerful gestures, words, or actions aimed at eliciting a positive response from our partners. Just like in gambling, the stakes vary, and the rewards can be rich with love, companionship, and a deep sense of belonging. Conversely, missteps can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection.

The concept of “the bid” comes from the research of Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr.Julie Schwartz Gottman. They spent years observing couples in laboratory settings and also many years doing relationship counseling. The “bid” involves one person taking a chance, being vulnerable, and making a bid to connect with the other. Whether it's a simple inquiry about one's day, a touch, or a shared joke, each bid carries the potential for deepening bonds.

The second person's response is crucial; they can "turn toward," embracing the bid with positive engagement, "turn away," dismissing or overlooking the bid, or "turn against," responding with hostility or ridicule. Happy couples, as found by the Gottmans, predominantly "turn toward" each other, engaging in these moments of connection with a remarkable 86% positivity rate. Conversely, those on the rocky road to separation managed this only 33% of the time.

Keep in mind that this concept isn't confined to romantic endeavors; it's a universal principle of human interaction. The parent-child dynamic, friendships, professional relationships, and even interactions with neighbors are all arenas where bids and responses play out. It's in the daily, seemingly insignificant exchanges that the foundation of any relationship is built or eroded.

It's also natural to sometimes feel unavailable or unable to engage. In these moments, acknowledging the bid and expressing your current state respectfully can maintain the connection without leaving the other person feeling rejected. It's about validating the bid and negotiating your availability.

Improving relationships begins with understanding and consciously engaging with these bids. It involves a mutual commitment to recognize and respond to these moments, turning more often toward each other. Recognizing and discussing these dynamics can lead to more mindful interactions and, ultimately, a stronger, more resilient bond.

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Navigating Polyamory in a Post-Marriage Equality Era