Everyone Deserves Respect for Their Identity
I am fortunate to work with many nonbinary and gender non-conforming clients. In my work with these folks, I’ve noticed a recurring trend. Many of my nonbinary clients are coming to me in tears because someone in the queer community has told them, “Why don’t you just come out as trans already?” Let me fill you in on something: Nobody likes to be told who they are.
Everyone wants to be respected for where they are currently in their gender identity journey.
Not only does everyone want to be respected for who they are, but they have a right to be respected. Unfortunately, we live in a world that is not always accepting of LGBTQ+ folks. As a community, we need to be the support and validation that everyone needs for each other. That includes all nonbinary and gender non-conforming folks.
A person’s gender identity journey is deeply personal to every individual. A nonbinary identity might be temporary for one person and permanent for another. Both are valid, and both deserve your respect. If your experience has been that you’ve seen people temporarily go through a nonbinary identity before embracing being trans, that’s great! Say it that way, as your experience. Here is a good starting point for demonstrating that. “Hey, I’ve known people who went through a temporary time period where they identified as nonbinary while they were still trying to figure out who they were. It may not be temporary for you, and that's cool. I just want you to know that I support you wherever you're currently at and wherever you land long-term in the gender spectrum."
A nonbinary gender identity is not temporary for many, many people.
If somebody’s nonbinaryness makes you uncomfortable, recognize that it is YOUR work to do. It’s not up to you to push people into a binary gender, whether cisgender or transgender, just to make you more comfortable. Think about how it feels when someone outside of the LGBTQ+ community asks you to hide your identity. It can feel deeply invalidating and isolating. Don’t make others in your community feel that same way.
I talk a lot about healthy communication both here on my blog and on my social platforms. It’s the foundation for creating healthy relationships. Healthy communication needs to extend beyond our closest relationships. While you are doing the work to unpack why nonbinary gender identities make you uncomfortable and let go of those beliefs, it’s possible to still recognize and respect someone else’s perspective. Listen to what nonbinary folks are saying and reflect on their words. Support your fellow nonbinary folks, no matter where they are in their gender identity journey.
Finding what identity feels most authentic is different for everyone. For some, it’s as easy as identifying with their gender assigned at birth, and for others, it’s a longer process. That might mean using labels temporarily in their journey. Just because you know someone who used a particular label temporarily does not mean that label is any less valid for those who find their most authentic selves in that label permanently. When we all work together to respect each other and validate identities, we create a safe and uplifting space where everyone can flourish.