A Message to the Older Generation on Gender-Expansive Language

This blog is for the older folks out there. If you’re a younger person with an older relative who is trying but struggling with gender-expansive language, I encourage you to share this with them. Using gender-expansive language, like non-binary pronouns, challenges the strict ideas of the gender binary. This can feel like using a completely different language to the one you grew up with. 

I remember growing up in the 70s when gender expression was kept to a male or female binary. If you grew up during this time, then you know how quickly we were taught to determine someone’s gender by their facial hair (or lack thereof), clothing choices, visible body parts, voice, and hair. Hair was a huge indicator of gender. Men kept their hair short, and women tended to keep their hair long. Though, there were some men who started to push back against these strict rules, and grew out their hair. (And some women who cut their hair very short.)

During this time, heterosexual men were known for catcalling or propositioning complete strangers on the street, even if they only saw them from behind. Misogyny and sexual harassment were so pervasive back then that you can just imagine the whole world like a hostile work environment.

As you can probably imagine, these heterosexual men would catcall people that they assumed were women, but when that person turned around, their gender presentation no longer aligned with “female.” This would make them angry that they made a pass at someone who wasn’t a woman and that their ideas of gender expression were challenged. 

While times have changed, and I sincerely hope you aren’t catcalling strangers on the street, you may see someone and assign them a binary gender identity in your head. When you start talking to them, they might let you know that their identity actually falls outside of the binary. For a younger person who grew up with gender-expansive language, there may be no issue with using correct pronouns as they can easily think in this gender-expansive language. And that’s wonderful. However, if you’re older, this switch may not come automatically, and you have to translate those binary thoughts into gender-expansive thoughts. 

This internal translation may be difficult or frustrating at times if you have a slip of the tongue, but it is rewarding and important work to respect the people in your life and affirm their identities through their preferred language and labels. 

As long as you are doing the work, fighting the good fight, and sincerely trying, don’t feel guilty if your brain struggles to use the correct pronouns. Just keep trying. You’ll get there.