A couple of days ago, I shared a post about how boundaries in relationships need to be rooted in our basic human rights. Without that grounding, boundaries risk becoming tools of control rather than acts of self-respect and care.

I’ve compiled a list of these essential human rights in relationships, which you can find on my [Sub stack] or in my book, Cultivating Connection: A Practical Guide for Personal and Relationship Growth in Ethical Non-Monogamy.

But today, I want to talk about something that often gets overlooked in conversations about boundaries: interpersonal power—and the massive impact it has on whether we can actually uphold our boundaries when push comes to shove.

What Is Interpersonal Power?

Interpersonal power is the ability to make something happen even in the face of resistance from others.

Let’s say you’ve done the deep self-reflection work. You’ve examined your motivations, and you’ve landed on a boundary that’s ethical and rooted in your human rights—not controlling or coercive in disguise.

For example, maybe you don’t want to hug people as part of a greeting. That’s a boundary. You have the right to decide what happens with your body. Period.

This kind of boundary is easy to uphold when others respect it willingly. But sometimes, people push back. They might say you’re “being hurtful” or “making things awkward” by refusing to participate in a cultural norm like hugging.

Suddenly, enforcing your boundary becomes an act of resistance.

Why Upholding Boundaries Gets Harder When Power Is Unequal

It’s a lot easier to hold a boundary when you’re on equal footing with the person you’re interacting with—or when you have more power.

But if that person holds more power than you, it’s a different story.

Think about it:

• A child trying to resist an adult’s demand for a hug.
  
  
  

• A financially dependent partner trying to say no to physical touch.
  
  
  

• An employee pushing back against a manager’s invasive emotional demands.
  
  
  

In each case, the person with less power risks more if they resist. And that’s where trauma often happens: when someone’s boundaries—based in their most basic rights—are violated by someone who has the power to override them.

Power Isn’t Just About Titles

Power can come from all sorts of places:

• Formal authority: Teachers, parents, bosses, clergy.
  
  
  

• Social characteristics :Race, gender, age, able-bodiedness.
  
  
  

• Cultural capital: Popularity, charisma, social networks.
  
  
  

• Resources: Money, housing, legal knowledge.
  
  
  

It can be subtle or obvious, acknowledged or invisible—but it’s always shaping our interactions.

So How Do You Level Up?

If you really want to level up your relationship communication, do this:

Start identifying where you hold interpersonal power in your relationships.

Ask yourself:

• What unearned advantages might I bring into this dynamic?
  
  
  

• What positions, traits, or resources give me more influence than the person I’m talking to?
  
  
  

• How might those things make it harder for them to say no to me—or tell me the truth?
  
  
  

Then—and this is the key—talk about it.

Let people know that you’re aware of the power you hold and that you’re actively working to neutralize those advantages in your interactions.

Tell them you don’t want your power to silence them, manipulate them, or make them feel like they have to agree with you to be safe.

This kind of transparency builds safety, mutual respect, and the conditions for true consent. Not just in the big moments, but in everyday communication. It’s what allows people to be real with you—not just compliant.

And that’s how you take your relationship communication to the next level.